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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sanity's Haven's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 18th, 2005
1:49 am
i thought about you a lot today.
something about working at the doctors office...
i don't know what it was today
maybe because it's been so long
maybe because i scroll through my phone and i still see your name
maybe because everyone was watching sin city at my house
hahaha that movie....
i'll never forget that!
wow, i wish you'd try to call...
i'm not mad
i'm don't think your a failure
i just wish you'd make better choices.
you can't be embarassed forever
you can't change the past
it's going to be ok...

Current Mood: calm
Monday, August 8th, 2005
11:57 pm
funny... not the haha kind
so let's look at last year....
august 3rd i started at the paul mitchell academy
august 4th met John out at royal oaks, got into a fight.... the biggest one ever
august 8th cookout at Bone's. Supposedly John's last day in town,(until his back went out) wouldn't
give me the time of day
august 9th the day John was supposed to leave for Atlanta but didn't leave until 10th
the day i gave Nick my phone number and the first kiss...
Present day and why i'm a mess....
The supposed love of my life has now been in Atlanta for a year
The person that was taking my mind off my life and making me smile and laugh... is now in jail.

today is a sad day........

hopefully next week comes quick

Current Mood: sad
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
2:42 am
i don't know....
i miss you
your voice
your love
your eyes

i wish you were here
with me
holding me

i can't believe you got me
to fall in love with you....

Current Mood: mellow
Thursday, July 28th, 2005
12:22 am
be yourself it's all you can do
I never thought the day would come when i'd have to write you a letter because I had no other way to contact you.... it's sad. I love you and miss you. i hope you know that

Current Mood: numb
Friday, July 15th, 2005
2:37 am
there's something about you now - I can't quite figure out
staring right back in the face - a memory can’t be erased - I know because I tried - start to feel the emptiness and everything I’m gonna miss - I know that I can’t hide - all this time is passing by - I think it's time to just move on - when you come back down - if you land on your feet - I hope you find a way to make it back to me - when you come around - I’ll be there for you - don’t have to be alone with what you’re going through - start to breathe and fake a smile - it's all the same after a while - I know that you are tired - carrying the ones you lost - a picture frame with all the thoughts - I know you hold inside - I hope that you can find your way back to the place where you belong - when you come back down - if you land on your feet - I hope you find a way to make it back to me - when you come around - I’ll be there for you - don’t have to be alone with what you’re going through - you're coming back down - you say you feel lost can I help you find it - when you come around - from time to time we all are blinded - you're coming back down - you don't have to tell me what you're feeling - I know what you're going through and I won't be the one that lets go of you - I think it's time to just move on - when you come back down - if you land on your feet - I hope you find a way to make it back to me - when you come around - I’ll be there for you - don’t have to be alone with what you’re going through - when you come back down - if you land on your feet - I hope you find a way to make it back to me - when you come around - I’ll be there for you - don’t have to be alone with what you’re going through
Jason Wade

Current Mood: sad
Monday, July 11th, 2005
5:47 pm
I just want to hold you.....
i'm crying....
i don't know why i'm sad
because i can't talk to you?
because i knew this would happen?
because you are where you are?
because i want to take you away from everything and i can't?
because i miss you....
i'm just sad... for you

Current Mood: sad
Friday, July 8th, 2005
12:06 am
the shock of a lifetime....
everything fell apart
broken into pieces
my heart
my energy
wiped away with a filthy cloth
i thought you loved me

selfishness brings us closer to the ground
closer to the dirt
the mad
the hate
the anger
why would ever want to go back
i can't believe you went back

i'm sorry for you
i care more than i'll ever tell you
i'll be there
but not like i was before
but i'll never let go
because you didn't let go

i won't walk away
i promise....

Current Mood: sad
Saturday, June 18th, 2005
12:41 am
Amazing......
Here's the night, and it shines
and it calls us on and on.
So be here by my side and watch the stars
They're ours...
Make a wish or just take charge.
The moment comes, get lost and go far.

I think that we've got what it takes
to get this heart to start beating again.
So take it all the way.

We Begin. Breathe in.
Here's our chance to go for something.
So this is where we win
and take the game.
No blame.
There's a neon light inside that shine,
and tearing down the walls in the way.

I think that we've got what it takes
to get this heart to start beating again.
So take it all the way.

Oh, and our hearts are on the Everglow, so just let it go and fall into it....
--------Mae

Current Mood: happy
Friday, May 13th, 2005
12:46 am
Assuming qualities is not a good quality
this is the way it goes
i'm not her
i never will be
i'm me
if you don't like
goodbye

Current Mood: pissed off
Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
2:14 am
Did anyone order a pile of shit?
are you wondering where i am
what i am doing
do u sit and wait for me to call
do you care as much as you say

im holding back now
this is new
how do i know you're gonna be there
how do i know you're honest
how do i know, you love

affectionate im not
loving i am
i try
but my home is not fit

go ahead say your shit
say whatever you want
ill be waiting when you want to ask questions
assumptions mean nothing
except that your scared

guess what....
so am i

Current Mood: exhausted
Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
12:50 am
On the outside, looking IN
so it seems that people get influenced by their friends/significant others every day to do dumb shit. it doesn't really make any sense, because those seem to be the people you think that love you and would honor your morals and reasonings the best. however, in the real world those people try to pull you down with them. not all of them... but most. the thing is people aren't always very sure what the right and wrong thing is to do. they see other people live their lives like drunken assholes and it looks fun from the outside. they see people be in abusive relationships... and it looks like they're just arguing sometimes... it can't be that bad. they see people never going home... to their wives, to their families.. and it seems like having a good time should be more important.
unfortunately we start filling the world with sad empty people. no one ever intended us to be this way. the good times are supposed to be spent with the people we love, our spouse, our family, the people we hold accountable. i think we forget the importance and genuity of these people we have in our lives because for a split second, the sad empty life seems satisfying.
i don't like being like that and i don't imagine anyone does. but how do we stay together? how do we avoid taking the most important people in out lives for granted? how do we show that to people who don't understand?

i'm not sad and i'm depressed. i haven't been for a while. i know my journals may reflect that at times, but if that's the impression you get, then you haven't been spending enough time actually talking to me. i finally got the whole John thing out of my head. the most important thing is that we're friends and if he needs anything or whatever, that i'll be there no matter what. i'm kinda seein' Nick now, but it's hard to say. He makes me laugh and makes me feel like i'm hottest girl in the room. We have good conversation... i don't know though. i've been talking to him since August on a whim because I wanted to find someone else as quickly as I could. it sucks he has to be that guy, but... i like him around. i don't know if it'll be anything, but for now, its just what i need. i don't know.. none of this is making sense and i'm whoa tired.

Current Mood: optimistic
Saturday, March 12th, 2005
6:33 pm
i thought it was all over
i thought i found an exit
all i found was an escape route.
i guess that's all i can ask for
nothing is easy

the world came to me and said it's time
so what could i say but ok
time surrounds our lives
it gives us a place to be
when to go, when to leave

i tried to fight it...
like, to be continued..
but there's no such thing
in the real world..

there's a beginning and there's an end
i found you to help me
to love me
to shelter me from everyone else
and you gave up on me

nothing is as it seems
everyone lies
the world lies
you don't even know how i miss you
and there is no to be continued

the world came to me and said it was time
so what could i say but ok
and wonder will this time be happy

Current Mood: sick
Monday, March 7th, 2005
12:47 am
you're always on my mind...
Even the best fall down sometimes.
Even the stars refuse to shine.
Out of the back you fall in time
Somehow find you and I collide...



i can't call you anymore
i can't tell you all the gossip i hear
i can't tell you about my life
and the sad part is
you won't be able to either
so when we say were still friends
it just a word
it doesn't mean anything
b/c she won't allow it
i hope you're happy with that
i'm not...
but i guess that's another tally on the board, right
it's how things go.
life goes on.
blah blah blah
fuck you

Current Mood: sad
Friday, March 4th, 2005
2:46 am
I FORGIVE YOU FOR THE WAY YOU TRY NOT TO BE
hahaha the star on the bottom of this entry is hilarious, so i kept it!!!!!! NICE!

Current Mood: rushed
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
12:30 am
I'm not giving up on you, just us. I should have a long time ago...
it's weird how things change. you would never think people could atcually change so much. not their goals or their morals: the things that are important: but their attitude on life and other people. it's sad. when you keep getting hurt over and over trust is not an issue anymore. it just isn't there. the things that should be easy... fly.

i wouldn't change my life for the world. not the things that happened, not my circumstances, not my decisions... everything that has happened, taught me something about life and about myself.

time makes people grow. i'm not sad, i'm complacent now. it's time to move on. it was time a long time ago. i just didn't want to let go without knowing for sure. i don't need word from you, this is my decision. i love you.....






....praying it's possible to fall in love twice....
it's not in my hands now. i give up. God will show me.

but, sometimes it feels like it's written in the stars...
Goodnight.

Current Mood: tired
Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
3:00 am
i wonder if love is what i feel. i wonder if it's just me caring for the only person who doesn't share the same feelings.. i wonder if it's that challenge thing that attracts people. either way that it is, i don't look at anyone the same way i look at you. even if i tried and really wanted to block you out it just doesn't work.

the thing is everything that i really want, seems to become this huge thing. it's not easy to go to school where i'm going. it's really hard to stay focused and stay positive when i'm there. it's hard to actually think i can go places from there. mainly because of my mom. not that she's holding me here or anything... i don't know if God wants me to stay here and have my life here... the only thing i know is here. i want to travel, but i don't want to be away from my family and my friends for all of my life. my church, i don't know, i don't think i could find another church like it. it's more comfort than anything. i like the way my grandparents know everyone there and say hi and actually care about the people. i like how my aunts and uncles still go there... they were all baptized there... it's just that everyone there is on the same common ground. whether they are there because they're sad and need some kind of comfort, or they missed the sermon the week before or they didn't see their family the week before and they knew they would for sure if anything on sunday. it's about being together and being able to understand each other and caring. i don't know if it's like that everywhere and i don't know if anyone would ever understand the way i feel about my church... but i feel as if visitors wouldn't enjoy the same way i do. i would hope they saw the love and comfort... but you never know. it's hard for people to see through someone elses eyes....

my sister... her and her boyfriend are in love... i guess. i don't want to like him, for jealousy reason b/c she found the only person she wanted to be with and i didn't... selfish i know, so i try more to be happy rather than bitter. however, i just don't want her to be making bad choices or going back on her morals. we all grew up in the same house with the same morals. my sister and i always stuck to what we believed. we try the best we can. but she's the strongest out of all of us, but also the weakest. she's not a crier, she doesn't complain, she knows what she wants and goes after it without hesitating... but when she's faced with something she "feels" can't be that bad and maybe question. she gives in. she lies a lot.. even to me, we're supposed to be close, but for some reason i can't get her to open up. i don't think she really opens up to anyone except marcus... and honestly i really hope she does. it's hard keeping things all balled up inside and not letting them out. eventually it comes out, in a heated argument and things that should never have been said, are said.... i just hope and pray she does the right thing. and if she doessn't.. then she at leasts is informed and not stupid.

my mom told me in my christmas card that she bought the salon so one day i would have it. i don't know, i guess that would be really cool for some people but i don't look at it like that. the only thing i see is another reason for me to stay here and not see other things. another reason why i shouldn't leave. another reason i keep getting trapped. i wish they would buy me a plane ticket when i graduated, so i can go to chicago, go to LA, go to atlanta.... just so i can see if i want to be there or not. not that i would live there forever or anything, but the choice would be nice. my mom keeps saying,... whatever i decide is fine... but she only says that when im in the room. she knows what i want... i don't know what it is. why i can't go. why i can't leave. my dad thinks i think im too good to be hear or something. which is not it at all. i just don't want to see and experience only Ohio for the rest of my life. i want to see the vidal sassoon salon in europe. i want to go to a school there and teach or just sit in and take classes. to see the life. I just want to see how other people live. the whole world does not revolve around youngstown ohio or paul mitchell! and i want to see it.

God's got some plan
i just don't know what it is
i shouldn't worry
He will give me the best life for me
Here or There
With or Without you
i have to stop worrying about what i want
it'll come, if it's meant to be......

Current Mood: tired
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
11:36 pm
sometimes i feel like i'm suffocating
the world seems to be getting smaller
the days seem shorter
im crowded by work
by school
by life
im tired
my music is gone
my heart is broken
my mind is about to explode
my soul.... almost on E
the love and excitement withered with the flowers
when will the thunder stop
i can't wait for that gust of wind
to wrap me up
and take me far away
away from home
away from everything i know
i want to see the sunshine
the glow of the moonlight
and my star shining just for me
the love and excitement will return
time
absence has never been something i enjoyed...
i know now
i was wrong...
to be missed
is the best compliment i can give you

Current Mood: Fiona Apple
Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
11:20 pm
I will be silent no more
.... not everything is about you.... take your ego and shove it....



you will not be part of my life.
starting now, you have been erased.
my heart just keeps breaking
and i keep stumbling on the pieces.
there is no way in hell
i will ever let ANYONE treat me the way you do.
you make me feel like shit.
like im nothing.
i feel like i lost everything
well in reality i lost nothing
and you lost
i win everytime
i will always come out on top
why?
because i have a heart
i know what things feel like
i know what love is
i know not to fuck with people when they care
i know what's right and what's wrong
i don't play games
i just deal

you're time will come when the realization hits
when you see you hurt more people you care about
when you see the tears...
the tears don't stop
it's not funny anymore
life isn't a joke
you treat it like a playground
one day it will be taken away from you
and you will have nothing

i wish my heart wasn't built the way it was
i wish we could choose the people we fall in love with
i wish i never met you
i wish i never knew your name
i wish i never knew this feeling

it doesn't matter now
it happened
it's over
i'm not in love with you anymore
Goodbye

Current Mood: thoughtful
Thursday, August 19th, 2004
6:56 pm
The last note to sanity....
what i write is not necessarily all the things i want to tell people, but the things i think. it's not an outlet. i have no problem telling people how i feel. this is for me. for me to embrace the life i have and to contiplate things i don't get. you are the most hurtful person i've ever encountered in my life. to contine to hold on to that, is just a continuous black cloud for me. i'm more sad at you than i've ever been before. people don't just say things like that and apologize and then not take anything back. whats the point of apologizing? your words were wrong. i am me. and i will continue to be. if you don't like it, tough for you. i don't need to hear your shit. you're not my keeper nor my conscious. you have no right to judge me the way you have. you look at people with your vain eyes. like everything they do is out to get you. it's not always about you. sometimes people have separate lives. i do. and i will forvever have my life separate from you. i will always think of you, but not the same as i used. but as that guy that broke my heart in more ways than i can explain, then smashed it until it couldn't bleed anymore. now, i leave, trying to pick up the pieces of what i have left, trying to be positive about facing the choices i made and being strong to take the consequences. i only wish good things for you. that you see your anger, and don't hold on to it. but understand. ask questions. that you see life is more than what your eyes see.... i'm out. this is my last post and my last note to you. just remember, God is there, it is your choice to seek Him and find out what He's about. later john

Current Mood: crushed
Thursday, August 12th, 2004
2:50 am
best buy doesn't just have cds
what i like about surprises is that they can change your whole mood for the day. i don't really know how to approach the situation, but for the most part ithink it's good. however i do attrack the assholes... minus all that, i wonder how this will end up. if i am just doing the same shit and winding up w/ some asshole who doesn't really care about me or someone who means it when they call to apologize... i don't know, i guess time will tell... ha
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